Stop This Train

Often Misunderstood, Almost Always Ignored

Why this title for my page you say? What initially inspired me to come out & do something out of my norm? Why start this page? Well, I'll try to answer these questions & explain myself to the best of my ability. But be informed, for these answers might take you guys down a topsy-turvy path of anger & frustration growing up in Malaysia and a world I've grown to very much dislike, and a young man trying his best to ultimately find himself and a place he can belong. Nothing in this piece is meant to come across as preachy, self-indulgent, or instructive of what others should or shouldn’t believe or do. My sincerest apologies if I have failed. This is merely my own point of view & thoughts on things I have come to observe, and issues I've read up on & learned.

---

First, let me introduce myself to you, the readers, whoever you are, wherever you are. I'm a 25 year-old male, born & bred in a small tropical country called Malaysia. I am of Malay descent, but I do have Chinese blood running through me from my mother's side. And according to my grandfather, there is also a hint of Indian blood somewhere down the line as well! Talk about being truly Malaysian, huh? I'm a lover of all things NATURAL - animals, plants, you name it. I am the eldest of 3 siblings, a pair of brothers with a beautiful, strong sister in between us. Being born in Malaysia & being of Malay descent, I was exposed to Islam since a very young age. This taught me to be tolerant & understanding to all human beings as well as love any living creature. Sadly, there is a plague that shrouds what Islam is perceived to be here & around the world, and the implementation & propagation of it is just not done right. I pray & hope to see this change one day, at least in my lifetime. Although sadly, I very much doubt it. For reasons I might share & discuss in another post, when the time is right.

Joey, my pet hedgehog of almost 2 years

My pet cat, Tiger. He oldddd

I'm generally a very quiet person, and I tend to keep things to myself. But I don't think I've always been this way, somehow I seem to remember being very loud-mouthed, unafraid to do the things I wanted to, of saying the things I felt like saying. Confident. I guess life just has a way of changing people? The only constant in life is change, anyway. And we have no choice but to adapt & grow. Although, I've come to accept the fact that I'm actually introverted in nature, in which I think contributes largely to my previous inability to express myself better & mingle with people more often. I wouldn't say that I'm completely not confident now, but I just choose to keep to myself more, for the things I say are always shrugged off & considered useless, for this world. In other words - Often Misunderstood, Almost Always Ignored.

Ever since I was young, I've always been taught to be the bigger person in any matter and to always be kind & tolerant of others. In school, I'd like to think that I was a pretty decent student academically & in co-curricular activities. I did "okay" in terms of socializing and I always tried to make friends with everyone, regardless of background and any other possible aspect. I NEVER once looked at a person's wealth or status to determine if I'd like to or want to be friends with them. It's fascinating to be able to have friends from different walks of life, learning the different cultures & getting to know the differences in the lives of both the rich & the poor. There is ACTUALLY so much to learn from every single person we meet & come to acquaint ourselves with. So eventually, I got done with secondary school and graduated with the Malaysian Certificate of Education (Sijil Pelajaran Malaysia). By this point, there was so much pressure for me to know for sure what it is that I wanted to do with my life. Honestly, I didn't know exactly what I wanted in life. Because of my uncertainty and lack of knowledge on the world, I followed what my elders advised me to do and ended up pursuing a Bachelor's Degree in Mechanical Engineering, majoring in Materials, at a local university, Universiti Teknologi PETRONAS. And what a bizarre life experience it was, to say the least. The duration of that few years between transitioning from secondary school to higher education & university life itself, really is precious in terms of exploring yourself & the life around you.

Throughout my short life, I strived to find that perfect balance & peace of mind on which to lay the foundation of my life on. In everything we do, there MUST be balance. For without balance, we are certain to fall into the traps of being "too extreme", "too one-sided". This in turn would only reflect badly on ones-self. Be too conservative, and you're close-minded. Be too liberal, and you'll be labelled an infidel. There are many other instances in life which are just so paradoxical as well. Therefore, moderation really is key. It is of utmost importance to be able to strike that proper balance much needed in today's world. Having said all that, I tried applying this to the best of my ability in almost everything I did, everyone I encountered, and sadly, I only found myself not being able to really fit in. Almost anywhere. Becoming somewhat of an enigmatic figure to a lot of people around me. Maybe I expect too much of people, or maybe I'm actually the problem. I figured that the latter was actually the case, hence why I'd retreated into my own bubble for the past few years, distancing myself from friends and even family. In terms of self-esteem & inner happiness, I hit rock-bottom so many times. To the point that many labels had been attributed to me - "selfish, ungrateful, arrogant" and so much more. But I guess I knew what I had to do for myself - mentally, spiritually and so on. With all that had been going on in my own life, and in the bigger picture of things, I needed time & space. For the sake of my own spiritual healing, for figuring myself out more.

But still I won't deny these issues I've observed, the core problems in today's society as a whole, and what I've come to discover through books & some soul-searching. The double standards, the subtle yet very damaging racism, and numerous other issues. I won't pretend and say this is occurring globally, as I've only traveled to but a few other countries. I also won't pretend as if I know that much about actually running a country, yet, but I know the government could have & should have done better. All is not completely their fault, though. The politics we see here in the country is nothing but a reflection of us, the general public. It is high time we reflect on ourselves and look to the problem within us. Basically to be the change we want to see in the world. But nowadays, people really only look to blame others. Nobody wants to put their hands up & blame themselves, to take responsibility. What's ever happened to accountability? Where & when did this practice start & come about? I guess I don't want to sound self-righteous because I don't know what it's like to be in their position, a position of power & what not. But everything that's happened - mistakes, bigotry and the likes have done nothing but cause disarray & even more division than there currently was/is. At a time where we should be pulling together even more for the sake of us all in this country, who are on the same boat, we are being pulled apart & separated with much more intensity. I suppose, there must be a reason & wisdom behind all that's happened in the country. In the Malay language, the saying goes "PASTI ada hikmah di sebalik sesuatu yang berlaku". I'll only leave it up to Him to be the judge of everything - tawakkal. Have complete tawakkal, but I'm still going to try & do everything I do to the best of my ability. Tawakkal, is the word for the Islamic concept of reliance on God or "trusting in God's plan".

Anyways, back to the topic of my journey; for as long as I could remember, I hadn't been "happy". I was heavily depressed & lost, disillusioned by this world we live in. I guess like you all probably know from the previous paragraph, for one too many reasons in fact. Don't get me wrong, I know it's idiotic of me to expect a perfect world. If such a thing is even a possibility, or if it even exists. But one can dream, can't he? This global system is flawed, and we need to start accepting this fact & confront it. At the turn-of-the-year, nearing the end of my previous contract job, was when a certain & sudden realization dawned on me. And it hit really, really hard. The realization that my unhappiness was a result of my own actions, or rather, inaction. I had always listened & followed what other people would say, thinking that they might probably know better on what to do for my own future. I'm actually the sort of person to be completely fine going against the flow, not just for the sake of it and without purpose but I strongly believe that everyone is meant to be different. But the more I grew up the more desperate I became to fit in, to just feel accepted for once, and I ended up being a conformist. Conforming to what society thinks we should be, conforming to doing things we're told we ought to do. Even if it was the wrong thing to do, morally and principals-wise. This did not end well for me at all, and I completely lost sight of who I was deep down.

So I had to take a stand & I decided to change - my ways, my outlook on things. I picked up books to read & strengthen my thoughts, I tried to participate in more sports activities again, and other things of the likeness. I was more content with my life & myself. Or at least I thought I was, yet somehow something just still wasn't right. Hence why I decided to go ahead & do something really out of my norm - start writing this blog & actually share some things about myself. To have more of an online presence? To get myself out there & more known? Because I'm sick of the direction this world is going in & I can't just stand by the sides and watch. I've actually never liked social media. The thought of sharing your life with people, especially those you don't know, was a horrible thought to me, to say the least. Maybe that's why I decided to use a different platform & mode of doing it? Doesn't matter, it's all more or less the same anyways, and somehow I felt like this was just something I needed to do for myself. So I guess it was just about time I did something to share some parts of my story, for at least by doing this - the blog, it would help fill up more of my time and maybe motivate me to actually go out & do things even more. A friend once told me about the 2 "circles" we have in our lives - the Circle of Interest & Circle of Influence. Our circle of interest can be enormous, vast, comprising of anything & everything we might have interest in. Our circle of influence on the other hand, varies with each individual, some blessed with the right & sufficient resources, while others are not. And more often than not, these circles do not intersect at the right point, sometimes not at all. What does this show/mean? Well firstly, that the circle of interest is probably very much larger than the circle of influence. So for us to achieve that intersection of these 2 circles, we must expand our circle of influence, however way we can. Why? So that we are able to realize/actualize the change we want to see in the things we are interested in, in the world around us. Me taking the step of starting this blog is one example of me trying to work towards that. Also, at least for me, the people around me would understand more about myself as sometimes I tend to express myself wrongly with my choice of words & actions - again, Often Misunderstood, Almost Always Ignored.

To conclude, one can only safely say that everything really is just a matter of perspective, and we as human beings have a responsibility to be the best possible versions of ourselves and be more understanding & tolerant of one another. I cannot stress enough how this is so important as we, mankind, move forward into modernization. Any advancement we have will be completely futile if we do not change. Personally, I don't 100% like how modern living is - we are supposedly more connected in a lot of ways, but somehow are more consumed with loneliness & feelings that are very much unwanted. Especially to those that are on social media very regularly. We are becoming more disconnected with one another. In terms of understanding, togetherness and so on. But there isn't much we can do I suppose in terms of modernization, as it is just the consequence of time. Except, to be the best possible versions of ourselves and to just be even more together. There are many, many other issues that I have observed in which I'm actually very much opposed to. But so far, that should be all I want to share right now. I need to save some thoughts & opinions for my other future posts too, right? Also, I am so thankful for all I have - my family, my friends. Who have tolerated me & my somewhat bipolar-self at times. I'm very grateful for all of you. Thank you.

Finally, just a little side note of what I also hope to see change in this country & it's people:

(Sorry, I'm just really passionate about helping my country grow in whatever way possible hehe)

• Start fighting for the right things, ie: better & proper education, higher standard of living & better jobs, better infrastructures & facilities. Stop bickering about petty issues such as whether the Malaysian flag was presented wrongly, about the changing of names of a certain area & issues similar to these. There really isn't a point to any of that, if other people are the ones running the show & economy behind it now is there?

• Change our mentality & hopefully that would lead to lesser susceptibility of being manipulated by the media. Don't always believe what you see online & in the media. Take things with a pinch of salt and READ UP, GO OUT & EXPLORE. Talk of problems is cheap, but ideas & solutions are valuable. And the only difference between a good individual and a great one, is doing. So start doing.

• Be different. Keep different. Tolerate and understand one another more. No more racism, no more classism mentality. Status and wealth really isn't anything if we do not know how to behave. Do not just shout, tweet & whatsoever that you are not racist, that you are not pushing your own agendas - act it, practice it, show it.

• Have patience & start working together even more. It is not an easy task to run and build a country, not the least bit while having to be fair & just as well. We all have a part to play in this, be it the youths, the older ones and so on. Even in trying to tackle problems such as bridging the wealth & social inequality gap, which I feel very strongly about, it's really not that simple. Each person or groups of persons want different things, have different ideas of wealth & so on. Not just that, to properly define who is wealthy & who is not is also another factor. To properly come up with said profiles would be a real challenge, and imagine how one is to be fair & just in said situation.

• Stop being too corporate. This only leads to more harm than good in regards to the entirety of the economy & social aspects of a country, due to many reasons.

No more intolerance, no more hate, no more racism, no more double standards. I've been on the receiving end of people treating me like a "typical Malay" one too many times. Before even talking to me or getting to know me. And I've also seen my fellow Malay, Indian & Chinese friends alike getting the same treatment at times. So really, this has got to stop. What hurts me the most is when I see my religion being "used" by one side, and consequently being bombarded constantly with attacks on the other. Do not blame the religion. Blame the people, blame the internet trolls and so on & so forth. One of my close friends once said that in life, there is a spectrum; one end representing the "good", and the other the "bad". Obviously the most of us, if not all, want to strive to be the best possible versions of ourselves. We MUST and SHOULD not let one moment of relapse dictate that we completely let go of the good and end up on the extreme side of the other. This is no easy task. Really it's not, I know. I'm still struggling with my thoughts, my actions at times. Hence why it is so important for us to try to be positive. Why the environment around us MUST be conducive for growth, for togetherness. It is practically impossible to be "perfect" anyway, but me being me, I love the challenge of just doing and giving my best. And whether I succeed or I don't, is a whole other story. In this broken & flawed global economic system, I see no other way forward than together. Stop going power- & money-crazy, embrace humanity once again and I'm sure things will rightly fall into place. We have to start finding and implementing ways & means in order to challenge those at the top, to let them know that "Hey, we're here and we're in the large numbers" - stop consuming more than you should, stop hoarding all the luxuries in life for yourself and your friends & families, stop being selfish & help others in whatever way you can. Life ain't COMPLETELY about ourselves.